The Power of No.
By: Maya Cherry
Two things have been true about me since I can remember.
One: I have a pretty clear picture of who I am and who I definitely am not.
Two: I have never had a problem speaking my mind.
Growing up, I knew what I liked and had little to no problems expressing it. Likewise, when I didn’t like something, everyone around me was sure to hear that as well. I very much subscribed to the idea that I was who I was, and nothing and no one was going to change that.
Now, I can imagine a few people reading this could be thinking “must be nice,” or something along those lines. However, this train of thought often got me into trouble as an adolescent. Often times I was told I hurt people’s feelings with my abrasive tongue or came across insensitive to my peers who were not as confident in their feelings and opinions as I was. I became used to be labeled as the girl who didn’t care about other’s feelings. This was a label that puzzled me because I knew none of my motives for the way I existed derived out of a lack of care for others, but more so a prioritized care for myself.
I guess when looking back on how my mindset has grown since being that unapologetic child, I realize I hold learning who we genuinely are as humans and meeting that discovery with love and acceptance as one of the most important aspects of evolving. For me, the love and acceptance part was the easy feat in that equation, while learning everything I could about myself through different phases of my life proved to be more difficult.
Basically, saying no allowed me to put into practice the personal barriers I had subconsciously decided were important to me during my ongoing evolution.
Saying no to social invitations, saying no to optional work engagements, saying no when most assumed my answer would be yes. Something I found comes along with saying no are people who allow you to do so, and ones who don’t. My love for uttering the word no pretty naturally weeded out people in my life who had a problem with my right to do so.
It comes down to this pretty simple question in my head.
Why do something I don’t want to do?
I’m aware of how harsh and selfish that question seems in nature, and well, it is. I fully believe there are many times in life where we will have to do things we don’t necessarily want to do. Whether it’s being at work at 8 am, babysitting the neighbors’ children because your mom told you to, or getting that routine shot despite your dreadful fear of needles…. The list goes on and on. So, in a world where we inevitably won’t have control over many things, why give up our control in the circumstances we have power in? I simply don’t do things I don’t want to do…when I have the option. If my friend asks me to dinner and I’m not feeling it, “I don’t feel up for it tonight, how about Friday?” is likely my response. If my mom were to bring home a new blouse for me she just purchased that I don’t particularly like, my response would be something like, “Thank you for thinking of me; however, I don’t think I’ll wear that. Maybe we could exchange it for something else.”
I find being honest and succinct as often as I can to be integral in staying true to who I am.
I also find it helps me stay authentic in my relationships. Why say yes to a dinner I am going to dread just to put myself in a situation where I have to feign interest once I get there? Why tell my mom I love the new blouse she got for me when…I just don’t? I find it insulting to fake time spent with a loved one as well as disrespectful and wasteful to say I like something I have no intentions of ever putting onto my body.
In talking about this practice of saying no, I also believe it’s worth mentioning the lack of apologies I dole out for saying that word. You’ll notice in the above-mentioned examples, neither of my responses included the phrases “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.” Now, there are times I believe a sincere apology is necessary and appropriate; however, most of the time I find myself saying no, I don’t feel the need to follow it up with an apology.
I don’t believe exercising my right to not do, feel, or say something necessitates an apology. Nor do I believe in following up my no with explanations. Often times, ‘no’ is enough. Any explanation I give for why I am not going somewhere, doing something, or agreeing with someone is, quite frankly, privileged information.
People are not entitled to what’s going on in my head and I make it a point to not actively placate the people in my life by appeasing them like a ‘yes man’ would.
Now, somewhat contrary to what I have already written, I am aware saying no all the time can result in a somewhat routine, narcissistic, and seemingly impenetrable lifestyle. I actually believe saying yes is as equally important as saying no; however, I think understanding the inherent power of these words and how to use them is paramount.
For me, setting boundaries for myself and the people in my life from a young age was more of a priority than being the person who would say yes to anything.