Pages of a Never-Ending Story
By: Lucy Stelmack
Two years ago, I came to Athens with very little expectations and one goal in sight: Stay sober.
For those who don’t know, for 8 years prior to the life I started in Athens, I battled an eating disorder, addiction, and alcoholism. Through my two years here, I have been blessed with the ability to heal A LOT, and my life began to unfold how I never could have imagined.
I always told people–even in my active addiction—I wanted to be a yoga teacher.
I felt that yoga teachers had the life I always wanted: Peace and a healthy relationship to their bodies and minds. When I came to Athens, the door to my practice opened. I met Ruby and began coming to Shakti. I had no idea there was so much more than just a physical practice. For me, yoga was a missing link. I could come to class, and for the first time, I didn’t feel ashamed of my body or worry about judgement. There were some days that the only touch I would receive was from a teacher’s assist, and I began to feel safe. I began to feel strong when my arms would hold me in crow, and I began to trust myself even if I was afraid. Lately, I have forgotten that so much of where I am today came without a plan. When I came to Athens, I did not plan to join a studio, to become a part of a community, or to become a teacher. I walked through the doors with one thought: What’s on the other side?
On the other side was a lot of fear. What if y’all found out how broken I felt? What if you found out I had been such a horrible person? And what if you knew that I was living in rehab? I didn’t think anyone could understand or relate to me, but I kept coming back. I felt that with every class, I belonged here. I’d hear the teachers speak, and I could relate to what I heard. I kept practicing, and my body began to flow through the sequence each time a little easier. Then one day, I saw a post about Shakti’s teacher training in Nashville, TN. At the time, I had graduated from the rehab I was in, but I had no vehicle. I had a little money saved up, but all I knew was that I was interested.
I signed up. Over the next few months, a path was made. There were times where I was very anxious, some weeks I didn’t know where I’d stay until a few days before the training, but someone always offered me a place. I met two girls from Shakti and was able to ride with them to the trainings, and the most amazing thing happened. We started dropping our masks. I met people as they were, which allowed space for me to be who I was. I began to realize that I felt the same way they did. This created a massive shift in my life, because for the first time in over a year I was relating to people who weren’t identifying as addicts and alcoholics. So much of my identity was centered in, “I am this way because I have the disease of addiction.”
But I’m human. I believe everyone can feel unsafe in their thoughts, that from time to time we may feel like we are lacking something or have feelings of not being good enough, we all feel fear and experience pain. But for the first time, I didn’t feel so separate from everyone else.
I finished the training, and I now teach at Shakti. Until about a few weeks ago, I felt like I was living my happy ending. I have two years sober, I’m a part of such an amazing community, and I have accomplished exactly what I have wanted for the last two years…But I began to feel empty. There was a thought that crept into my mind: “What’s next?”
I hadn’t thought past this point, and when I began to envision what was next, it was like a blank canvas. Sure, I could fill the vision boards with hopes and dreams, but I began to feel like they weren’t meant to be there. That I was filling the space just have something there, unsure if it was really what I wanted. For several days, life felt so confusing. I could feel my soul pulling in so many directions because it desperately needed something to hold onto.
Traveling, writing, more education…I needed the answers and I needed them now! It wasn’t until I heard Oprah’s Super Soul Conversation with Elizabeth Gilbert, “The Curiosity-Driven Life,” that I felt like I could take deep breaths again. It was so simple.
My soul is searching for its passion, and its okay that I don’t know what that is. Scary, yes, but curiosity sets the stage for discovery.
Curiosity is the ability to try something and then decide if it belongs. And if it doesn’t, I can let go without feeling like a failure.
Curiosity holds space for the present moment, to see things as they are, as an experience not a destination.
Curiosity allows me to be comfortable in the unknown.
Curiosity allows things to come and go without the need to desperately cling.
Curiosity is the difference between feeling like my life is an empty page or a never-ending story.
Realizing this, I have begun to slow down. My to do lists are much simpler. I’m not ashamed to admit that for a few days, my to do list only held: Take a shower and eat three meals a day. At first that was very hard, but once it became easier, I added other things in. Allowing myself to slow down and drop the feeling that I had to do so much allowed space for me to get curious about what would feel good for me and feel like I was doing enough. I no longer needed to search for the next thing, because I could see that every day, I’m walking towards it, even if I don’t know what it is just yet.
I’m learning to trust that my soul knows the direction. I just have to be willing and curious enough to follow it. So much of where I am today I could not plan for, and I wouldn’t have thought it was possible two years ago. It’s so human of me to forget that the universe holds many surprises.