Neutral Vision by Jensen Toney

So I want to touch on how during the entire month of September I kind of felt nothing. I wanted tears to flow; they did not. I wanted to scream; I didn’t. I wanted to laugh; I barely did. I wanted to feel uneasy or calm or SOMETHING.

Yet, I remained neutral.

We use this neutrality word as a way of stating our opinions or our stance on an issue, when really I prefer to use neutral as a feeling word. An emotion.

Instead of the political middle-ground lane of Switzerland, let’s start using neutral to describe when we aren’t happy, not sad, not tired, not angry. But when we essentially feel nothing. This may sound like the beginning of the development of a sociopath, don’t worry that is not what this is. I feel things; I am in fact, sometimes over empathetic for others. However, when it comes to myself I have a hard time articulating what it is I FEEL.

Someone can look at me and just from their body language or eye contact I can instantly discern what they’re thinking or what emotion they’re displaying. Often times quicker than they even realize. So why oh why is this quality so hard to find within myself? Maybe it’s because I’m my biggest critique. Aren’t we all?

Perhaps I don’t want to face the music and really sit with myself? Considering how many hours I spend alone, meditating, reading, and journaling, I’m gonna cross that theory off the list.

The last notion came to me as I was dealing with some bad news earlier this week. Indeed I do feel everything. In fact, I feel so much that it’s hard to compartmentalize it all. I’m constantly finding joy in the little things during these weird and hard times.

I’m constantly looking forward to things. I’m also constantly worried. I’m constantly saddened. I’m constantly pissed off, especially lately. There’s no pause in my influx and out flux of sensations. I’m feeling it all, all of the time. In a way, the good emotions balance out the bad. I presume that’s where my word neutrality comes from.

I don’t want this post to be a “Check List of Ways to Keep Track of Yourself during a Pandemic”, or “Self-Care Routines during an Election Year”.

Let this serve as a letter of expression, relation, and connectedness, reminding anyone reading this that he/she/ they is not alone. There will be no advice, no recommendations, only authentic rawness. As

September came to a close and the leaves will soon start to fall, the sun disappears more and more, and the days get cooler, I recognize the humaneness in all of us. The animalistic properties we cannot deny. We are as much a part of nature and apart of the seasons as the trees. We will fall, grow colder and slower;

but we will also rise again. Bloom. Grow bigger and better than the last time. Is summer is hot and winter cold, maybe fall is neutral. So if you’re worried about the state or quality of your emotions, as I am, just know this is what this time of year calls for.

Stillness.