Softness = Strength by Jensen Toney

BY JENSEN TONEY

I have always prided myself on how capable I am of loving—how much I give in relationships: romantic relationships, familial relationships, and friendships. I was always the one who gave and was used to less receiving. Which until recently, was fine with me. I have been spending a lot of my time and energy thinking about my friends, my family members, and my loved ones. Wondering how they were doing and creating what I thought of as “solutions” to their problems.  Then I realized all of this mental energy I was spending worrying about others was mostly time wasted. Worry is a generally wasted emotion in my experience – so worry on a non-personal scale, is even more wasted.

Several of my friends have been going through a hard time: either romantically, health-related, or financially. Soon, their strife started to feel like my own. I was having nightmares about them, I was experiencing back pain, headaches, and anxiety for issues that had nothing to do with me. Don’t get me wrong, caring and thinking of the people in your life is a lovely, beautiful thing to do, but not to the extent where it is causing physical or mental anguish. 

After doing what I would naturally do as the friend with the advice and ready to give it, I gave it. Some was better received than others, and some was not so well received. What I learned from immediately trying to “fix” or “change” is that sometimes no one needs to be fixed or changed. Sometimes all that is needed is an ear and a shoulder to cry on—or laugh with. An open space for listening, for receiving, and for discussion might just be the thing to spark something new. Being with the feelings, not trying to rush through them. Being the person on the outside, it was easy for me to see things objectively, to get straight to a resolution without truly processing anything. I assumed my friends wanted answers. However, what they really wanted was to discover. To learn, to grow. & that’s exactly what I did. I learned to give less. To be open to receiving and release the urge to alter, the urge to fix. 

Through doing less, I ended up with more. By relaxing into the moment of what was being shared, solutions and advice were not the only things being created. A stronger deeper bond with my friends also came out doing less. The pain in my back healed itself; my nightmares ended. I revealed a softer side of how I approach my relationships and it resulted in strength. I found that being kind went much further than having the answers. 

— Jensen