By: Megan Bodnar

I never, ever saw myself being in a non-monogamous relationship before, let alone sharing it with a community that I value and means so much to me. But that’s why I am sharing this part of my life with you all- You all mean so much to me, and I want to thank y’all in advance for the support and love you offer simply by reading this.

My love language is touch, and that was really the start of considering non-monogamy. When I moved five hours away from my primary partner, Griff, who lives in Nashville, it proved to be even harder, but more rewarding than we expected.

So, what is non-monogamy?

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term, simply meaning that one does not follow the traditional constructs of monogamy. This usually looks like different boundaries and less traditional structures within the relationship. Griffin and I have been in an open relationship for approximately 8 months of the 2 years we have been together. For us, this looks like having consensual and protected intimacy with other people. Through trial and error, we were able to find things that worked, things that didn’t work, and that there is no one or right way to do it. We shift rules/boundaries as much as necessary, and that is where all the communication and sometimes uncomfortable conversations show up.

We realized pretty early on that this sort of intimacy and trust with each other would take a lot of communication and openness between us. We had to be willing to say when we were uncomfortable, when something wasn’t working, and when our feelings were hurt.It took me a hot minute to realize that discomfort did not mean that I am “bad” at non-monogamy or that we are unstable as a partnership. Once I accepted that no matter which way I looked at love, it will sometimes be hard and uncomfortable, I was able to tap into what is sometimes called “loving freely.”

For me, loving freely means that I am able to give and receive love, affection, support, compassion, kindness, and empathy to any and all individuals I come in contact with and wish to.

Something that proved very important early on was the necessity of an intention; our collective intention is summarized as freedom of expression. Speaking for myself, freedom of expression means expressing my emotions, affections, and love for others in a vulnerable and authentic way, without holding back. I no longer feel guilty or like I am being “too me” with people. In breaking down and recreating new boundaries, I am able to be fully myself and show up as I am.

As I mentioned before, the love languages had much to do with this as well as the physical distance; however, there was something we both sensed was missing/lacking between us. The feeling of being in a monogamous partnership felt limiting and caused me to fall into a deep need for attachment.

I have struggled with (and consistently do) practicing non-attachment, or Aparigraha. By working through non-attachment, I feel an abundant amount of new space to love even more. One of the most underrated things about non-monogamy is the possibility for more love. I love Griffin now more than ever, and I attribute so much of that space to the practice and work that is the non-monogamous relationship.

Something that I remind myself of in terms of Aparigraha (and we remind each other of) is that the way I feel for someone else does not have anything to do with how I feel for you. For example, becoming intimate with another person does not take away any of my feelings for Griffin. I found that many of the times when I felt jealous, uncomfortable, or pissed off, I took that as my truth. My truth was that Griffin did not love me anymore (or as much) because he was with another person. But that does not have to be my reality or my truth. And though I still have to remind myself of that, I know that is not my truth.

I never thought that my work as a yoga instructor would become such a large and important part of our relationship. I never expected to love like this and feel so free. I never expected to feel the urge to share something so personal with a community.

Common Misconceptions

“Non-monogamy is an excuse for promiscuity”

I typically get asked if I’m going home/taking home a new gal/pal every night of the week; my answer is absolutely not. I want to stress that there is no issue with promiscuity. Sex is fun as long as it is concensual and safe. The real misconception is that non-monogamy is about having sex with as many people as possible. For me, non-monogamy is about creating connections and relationships with people. It is also common for individuals in a non-monogamous relationship to develop relationships with two or three other people, known as secondary partners.

“Non-monogamy is cheating”

Cheating implies that I am somehow going behind my partner’s back or breaking rules we have set for the relationship. This looks different for different people, and for us, it is all about disclosure/transparency. If he knows that I have a secondary partner, then I am not cheating on him. However, if I pursued a secondary partner without his knowledge of it, I would be cheating.An important distinction is that non-monogamy is giving knowledge, not receiving permission.

“Non-monogamy is a threat to monogamy”

Monogamy is beautiful. There is nothing inherently wrong or bad with either monogamy or non-monogamy. If you are happily in a monogamous relationship, those in non-monogamous relationships are not a threat to you or your relationship with your partner.

My experience in a non-monogamous partnership has been a rollercoaster, but that is love.

Love is love is love.

To reiterate, I am sharing this for both myself and for others. If you have questions, want advice/to share personal experiences, or if you’re just curious in general, please do not hesitate to reach out to me. I shared because non-monogamy changed my life and opened my heart in ways I couldn’t imagine before now, and I want to talk about it. I want YOU to talk about it: the possibilities, the space, the love that is possible. As always, thank you for your support and love. That’s all for now, folks; yeeehaw!